I’m having a good day today. I’m also having a really bad day.
And when I’m having a really bad day I don’t know where else to go other than here. It’s my outlet.. my quiet place where I can express my thoughts. I don’t write anything for people to read it.. I write it for myself. Even if it’s a public space, I just like writing here. Maybe something can resonate with someone.. but I don’t really care. I just like to write.
I got a new job which is so exciting. I get to work for a pet company and feel good about what I do every day. It’s only been my 4th day but I feel like I’m really showing them how smart and driven I am. Nothing makes me feel better than when I can show people that I am smart and worth something. I value my intellect over anything. The people I work with are really great and I know I will get along with them well. I’m excited to get thrown into the mix and start showing my true value to the team and the company.
With all the excitement of a new job I also know that I am 6 weeks away from graduating from my Masters. Four years later and I finally am getting there. The countdown is on.
But then there’s that dark cloud that manages to blow over the sunshine. That dark cloud that I can’t talk about, that I don’t want to talk about. Except here. That cloud that shows up to the party without an invite, and isn’t wanted.
I have an assignment that needs to get done in one of my classes. But I feel like I’m in over my head in this class. Then there’s the fact I don’t have any time to do it because I am hosting people this weekend. But I know it has to get done. And the longer I put it off the more it looms over me, but I just can’t bring myself to start it. “It probably isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be” is what I keep trying to tell myself. Because anxiety always makes a monster out of a mouse. But that doesn’t stop the cloud from rolling over the sun.
I finally started to work out again too. I was feeling really great with my progress and especially motivated. I was doing a 30 day yoga challenge with my friend. We were reconnecting and it felt so good. But I totally forgot about one thing. I have a prior injury that I haven’t seen in two years. And of course as soon as I get motivated again it rears its ugly head. How stupid of me to forget about this and go and aggravate it. That’s how I feel. My entire arm has been grappled with pain for two weeks. Like an extreme muscle cramp that won’t go away. I can’t do yoga, I can barely turn the steering wheel, it hurts to use a computer mouse and I feel like I need to support it with my other arm even while I’m standing. For weeks. It kills my motivation, my determination. So I figured I could workout in other ways, do body weight squats or ab workouts. But even those hurt my arm. And this pain is just a daily reminder of my own stupidity. And my awful relationship with my family.
I think that’s what hurts as much as my arm. “How could I be so stupid as to go near a dog when I was explicitly warned against it”. I blame myself.. I know I shouldn’t because no animal should be like that. But had I not made that stupid decision I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s a daily struggle for me. And a constant reminder that my relationship with my sister is so broken. It’s been a month since we’ve talked. Because apparently we have nothing in common. Which I don’t believe to be true. There’s so much more to us. Our upbringing, our family, we both like to garden. I have made really good friendships with people on a whole lot less. This pain just reminds me that I will never have the relationship with my family that I’ve always wished for. It’s so hard to let go of that.
Family is so important to me.. but history proves that our family will never be one. And I can barely comprehend it. It breaks my heart.
When I think about these things they aren’t that big of a deal. Really they aren’t. I can work with all of them, see the silver lining. In just a few days this assignment will be over. And if I take the time to ice my arm it will start to feel better. And I have a good family here with my boyfriend, and my friends who I care about so much. And I am so thankful for all of them. But no matter how much I tell my brain this, it doesn’t go away. This demon I am constantly fighting. Where I just want to sit in my room alone, typing to my blog. My true outlet. Because I am not putting my burden on anyone. I literally can feel the pain washing out slowly as I write out each word. It doesn’t make it go away but it helps it stop for now. And I am so thankful that this isn’t my reality every single day. I am generally so happy and love every minute I am breathing, with the sun beating down on my face. But every so often we need a little rain. And this is my shelter in the rain.
xox – Briana